Little brother

I’m not quite sure people understand, how quickly life can change your plans. Here one day, gone the next its a reality you will never forget.
      Your time on earth was not that long, and sometimes its still hard to believe you are gone, the memories flood in like rain, filling my heart with joy and pain.
   I’ll never forget our special bond, there’s always something to remind me…like a place or a song. I’m finding it hard to move on without you, even though I know I have to. Its just not the same without you here, but God had other plans for you, that much was clear.
   For those of us you left behind, we’ll cry and grieve for a long time. We find comfort that you are where you’re supposed to be, flying high in the clouds finally running free. But we will always miss having you around, you always knew how to light up a crowd.
Your laugh was contagious and your smile was too, so many hearts you touched just by being you. You were always there when I needed you most, from going to school, to surfing the coast. I miss you little brother, more then words can describe, but as hard as it is to move on, I have to try.
Until we meet again, and one day we will, I’ll be thinking of you and loving you still. I love you little brother, thank you for being you.

Forever changed.

I hate the feeling of despair, it has to be one of the worst feelings in the world. I remember feeling this a lot while going through infertility treatments, but at least while going through it I didn’t feel so alone. These other events going on in my life at present are making life miserable. I feel more alone then I have….well…ever. I have people around me, life keeps going, but time feels frozen for me. I have been trying to remain positive, praying for peace and understanding, yet I can’t seem to understand the ongoing events in my life. Psalm 73:23 
Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. I read this verse over and over, but still find life unbearable some days. I know everything is Gods will, and I know there is a reason for everything. I also know it doesn’t make things any easier. I can’t help but feel a hole where my brother use to be. He’s here…. but not really. I miss his voice and his laugh. I miss everything about him. I wish I could miss him without feeling guilty. People tell me “you have to be strong for your kids” I know I do! But does that mean I’m not allowed to be sad? That I have to hide my feelings so people don’t think I’m going crazy? My brother is a huge part of who I am. He was my first friend, he is one of my best friends. He drove me crazy, I drove him crazy but no matter what we were always there for each other. How many friendships can really stand the test of time, like the one of a sibling? My life has been forever changed, and I fear there will always be a void. Yes, my children are joy, but so was my brother….in a different light. I’ll have no choice but to keep going, living life as I should, but I’m not gonna lie, its devestating watching someone you love go through what my brother is going through. I guess I just wish I could grieve and not have the guilt. My girls are important to me, and I know they need me, I don’t need to hear it every time I need to cry. What I need is a listening ear and a shoulder…. just like any other grieving being. We all grieve differently, and I refuse to give into what some turn to in times of grieving…. but I will cry when I need to. It hurts.

Imagine

Imagine, if you will your childhood. When you think back on those memories, do you have siblings involved? Thoughts filled with laughter and smiles, fights and goofing around? Mine are. I often look back to those times, more so now then ever before. I often think about my brothers, the fun we had, the games we played, the jokes we have between just us three. They are irreplaceable, and something I hold strongly too. Lately, I’m grasping to remember every moment, things I took for granted are now more special to me then I ever imagined.

About 8-9 years ago, my brother became ill. He complained of stomach pain so severe, some days he couldn’t get out of bed to go to work. He started seeing doctors, but none could properly diagnose him. He started to get worse, his legs became weak, making it hard to stand or walk, to the point he had to quit his job, as he was no longer able to keep up. His stomach pain increased and he started to slowly lose weight. The doctors were stuck, but continued to run tests to see what they could find. A few years after his symptoms were severe, there were two possible diagnoses; lou gehrig’s disease or arenomylonaropothy also known as adrenoleukodystrophy. We knew about Lou gehrig’s disease, but; like doctors were clueless on adrenoleukodystrophy. We prayed it was the lesser of two evils, but we had no idea what were were about to embark on.

He gradually got to the point where he couldn’t walk without the use of a wheel chair/walker. He had lost so much weight from not feeling well, his cheeks sunk in. There was nothing we could do to help him. He started to change mentally as well, he wasn’t the same light hearted little brother I once had. We were building up to something I never thought we’d ever have to do.

About 2 years ago, he was forced to move in to my parents house. He could no longer live on his own, and needed to be somewhere he was safe. He couldn’t even walk with a walker anymore, he was now bound to a wheel chair. He had all function of his upper body, but his lower body had failed him. It became to be too much for my parents, he needed full time care, diaper changes, medication monitoring and help bathing. My parents and I decided it would be best, if we found a skilled nursing facility to care for him. Since he’s been there, he has lost the ability to use any of his upper body, he can’t feed himself, he can’t wheel himself, he can not help get himself in or out of bed, or in or out of his chair. He doesn’t speak much, except when spoken too, and its mostly one to two word answers. He lost himself, the year and month we were in, his birthday and so much more.

Needless to say my heart is broken; all of ours are. We are struggling seeing someone who was so full of life, from skateboarding and surfing to skiing and biking, stuck in a bed with little to say or do. How do you prepare yourself for this kind of thing? How do I as an older sister see this, and not struggle? I’m the oldest, it shouldn’t be him, it should be me! How do my parents cope? There son is in a nursing home before they ever had to think about it, no parent should ever have to face this kind of sorrow, all I keep thinking is “it isn’t fair.”

My parents have been amazing, taking him out, going to see him, changing diapers, and being proactive in his care. It wasn’t easy for them to see him this way, but they had to suck it up and be there for him regardless of the sadness they feel. I only hope to one day be as strong as them with my children, and pray that if God hands us something with our children, we will step up and be strong for them as well. That saying is true, you never know how strong you are, until you have to do it.

My dad has been lifting my brother in and out of his chair to the car, my brother is almost 200lbs dead weight. My dad is a big guy, but he’s not in his 30’s anymore. To see my dad do these things for my brother, reconfirms that my dad was always and will always be his children’s personal hero.

Love your family like there is no tomorrow, don’t ever take for granted what you have today, and laugh with them often. You never know when sadness and grief will strike, when all you do is cry and wish for yesterday again.

Random thoughts

Since I’m having a hard time sleeping, my thoughts have been taken over and it brought me back to a dream I had a long time ago. I was first married, and woke up in sweat, balling. My husband rolled over and asked what was wrong. All I could think to ask is “where’s my brother?” Over and over its all I kept asking. He assured me kevin was home in bed. I always wondered if this dream had any meaning? Why was I looking for my brother? I think I understand now. Is it ironic to say that this dream had anything to do with what’s going on now?? Maybe. But, it makes to much sense not too.

You see, I haven’t seen my real brother in many years. He’s changed. His illness has taken the loving, happy go lucky person I knew, and changed him into a complete opposite. I miss my brother, and that dream resembled the same feelings I’m having for him lately. So maybe a coincidence, but it doesn’t feel that way to me.

Kevin and I are close in age, 15 months apart. We were close, shared the same friends, hung out together, I beat him up when we were younger, he beat me up as we got older. We fought, but we were close. Where is my brother? He’s younger then me, he should still be able to surf, ski, skate and run. But, he can’t. So, where is he?? God, please where is he?

I keep praying that he comes back. I miss him. It makes perfect sense.

Hard to explain

There is something magical about being pregnant. Your body does things you never thought a human body could possibly do. Have you ever tried to explain pregnancy to someone who has never been pregnant? Its almost impossible to explain all the changes you experience. I mean sure…. you can relate to certain things. Eating, cravings, growing belly, tired and sick feeling. But, all the feelings and symptoms are hard to describe unless you’ve been there.

For me, when someone would try to explain their pregnancy, talk about how horrible they felt, and how they couldn’t wait to not be pregnant anymore. I would secretly be thinking “if only I could experience all of what you are, it would be the best experience of my life.” It never dawned on people that they were describing my most wanted desire, and even though they were having a hard time with it, many would give anything to be in those very shoes.

I couldn’t get mad at most women for trying to explain to me their pregnancy, some did not know my struggle with infertility all they wanted was an outlet to vent about how horrible they felt through pregnancy. Most just assumed that I didn’t have children because I wasn’t ready or didn’t want any. They didn’t know that behind my smiling I was hiding the most painful and terrifying feeling I have ever had in my life. The fact that I was childless because I couldn’t have kids, not because I didn’t want kids.

Most would tell me “you’re so lucky to not have kids yet!” Or “enjoy having your freedom.” I didn’t want my freedom anymore… I wanted what they were getting. I wanted the sickness, the tiredness and the growing belly. I wanted more than anything to be a mom. Was that to much to ask?

In a way I feel that God held out for awhile for some very good reasons. He wanted my husbands and I relationship to grow, He knew that with the way we quickly got married, a child could just cause tension if the marriage wasn’t solid. Many marriages end in divorce after the children arrive. He wanted a strong healthy marriage to raise children in. He also knew that we weren’t going to be faced with just one child at a time…. but three. Our marriage had to go to the depths and back through the baby stage. But, we lasted and pull through. Not because it was forced, but because the team effort has made our family that much stronger, and we can continue to love and raise our children together, rather then apart. I’m not quite sure we would have lasted had we had the girls any earlier in our marriage. The NICU time alone was enough to but a strain on a marriage, let alone having all three home living off an hour sleep and having no energy. Our marriage did suffer, but as we got the hang of being parents to triplet new born babies, our marriage became something more beautiful then I had ever imagined. God definitely had a hand in everything we did.

The next time you find yourself in a situation that seems uncomfortable, try to remember that not every body knows what you are going through. Its important to try to understand that although you’re suffering in the present, God knows what your outcome will be, and our God is good. He will not let you suffer for the rest of your life. You have to also remember that He never promised a painless life. After all, humans chose to live a life of sin. We were given the option, and we failed. Sacrifices were made and now, we are expected to live our life making similar sacrifices.

Its hard to look at things from the outside, especially for those who are still hurting, and still trying to fulfill their dreams of having a child. But, as someone who has been there and as someone who sits on the outside, there is a reason why you are still waiting. Continue to have faith and know that God will never give up on you, so please do not give up on Him.

Nothings to big for God!

Feeling joyous tonight for a dear friend who just delivered her first baby after struggling with infertility. She fought and she won! The feeling of holding your baby in your arms, after wondering for so long if it was ever going to happen to you; must be the best feeling in the world! The battle can beat you down, but when you hear your baby cry, every single tear was worth it!

I also celebrated for another dear friend last week. She delivered a full term baby, who quickly was taken from her arms and rushed to the NICU after having breathing problems. Although this was not her first baby, she still suffered many years with infertility so this pregnancy was just as much of a miracle as the first. He remains in the NICU, but is doing much better, and are hoping to take him home in the next few days.

These women are exactly the hope needed while dealing with infertility. Being childless can bring the strongest women/couple to their knees. Its almost as if your mourning a child’s death and reliving it over, and over every day. Its a child you’ve dreamed of many times, but you wake up to hear nothing but the hair splitting silence in your home. You envy those who have to get up in the middle of the night to feed or change a diaper. You cling to you little bit of hope that one day it will be you, but you know deep down that the waiting is going to be torture, and there is a chance that having a child is not in the plans that God has written out for you.

I have realized more often, that women who have struggled with infertility seem to be more nurturing and loving. Their hearts are soften by all the blows it has taken throughout the years, that they can sympathize with other women feeling the same pain. They are willing to stop and offer support, even though deep down they are dying inside as well. Its amazing that so much hurt can be used to renew another’s strength, and has the power to bring many women together to support each other and love each other. No one truly understands infertility until its up in your face, and leaving you empty. But, the infertility fighters will always understand.

Many of my closest friends are women I have never met, they are in my support group and are among the most amazing women I have ever had the pleasure of talking too. They all stand by when someone is hurting or rejoicing. Some have never been pregnant or have suffered miscarriage after miscarriage and still they wait patiently to hear from a member who’s about to give birth to their miracle baby. This is the kinda of strength infertility brings. The impact of infertility will always have a tight grasp on your life, but mostly from the people with whom you reach out too. Friendships can be created through horrible situations, and I thank God that I am there to help others through, because the struggle alone is too much to bear.

Update on us

Well, here it is three months later and I’m finally able to write. Where have I been you ask?? Well, I have been dealing with a lot since I was last able to write. We had to move out of our home, due to what most like to call “family drama”. However, we are all settled into our new location, and looking forward to a stress free environment. I have to say though, I’m pretty hurt by many things that have happened here recently. To forgive might be thinkable, but to forget? I’m not sure that’s EVER going to be possible. The thing I’m now dealing with is this, how do I tell my 3 year old daughters that a person they loved will no longer be around? Not because they are no longer living….. but because of things that were said, and things that were threatened. Its even sadder that they experienced the “drama” and remember it like it was yesterday, they ask me about it weekly. Its hard to explain, so I have to change the subject, and hope that one day they stop asking. My kids are my LIFE, it breaks my heart to know they are confused and hurt. I will never put them in a situation like that again. If I have to move to another state to keep them safe, and let go of more people to do so, I have no problems doing it. Good thing is, they are young, their lives will be full of many exciting things to come, so this is just a temporary set back, it will not leave a permanent scar on them or me.

Moving on, I’m now trying to put together a curriculum to start them on a school schedule. Any input on this would be amazing! How often do you take a child to preschool? How long in a day do you teach? Yes, I am homeschooling, I decided a long time ago that I did not want my kids in a public school environment. I can’t afford a private school so for now, I’m homeschooling. Many think its because I can’t let go….. that maybe part of it, but after struggling for so many years to have children, can you blame me? The other part is the world, its a crazy place. Many things happen in public schools now days, and I’m not willing to put my children through it. Besides…. home school I can teach them about Jesus, and read the bible with them. They won’t get that in public school.

We are at an age where everything is a battle, they question everything and fight me with whatever I say. It doesn’t matter if I say “The sky is blue” if they want to argue, then the sky is green. Everything is “why” “what” “who”. I know they are learning, but do they have to be so argumentive about it? Some days I feel like I’m failing as a parent, like I don’t have enough of me to go around, so they take full advantage of it. They almost trick me, one will get my attention while the other two are getting into mischief somewhere. In fact the other day, Rhi caught my attention, she needed something. When I went to go get what she needed, I noticed the other two were extremely quiet. I found them in my bathroom on their stool, over the sink with the water running. As I stepped in the bathroom I noticed I was in water and my whole bathroom was flooded. They were splashing around in the sink laughing and playing. Do you think it was planned? Not sure…. but I wouldn’t put it past them. Other days, I see the sweet, loving, caring side to them, it makes me realize I’m not failing, just dealing with 3 very strong willed 3 year olds. According to my mom I was very strong willed…. guess the jokes on me…. times 3, right mom?

With everything I face on a daily basis, I would not ever change a thing about where my life is today. I love everything God has placed in front of me. Do I have bad days? Yes, but they are days I learn from, and I’m sure there will be many more. Raising multiples isn’t easy, and despite what everyone thinks, its different then having children 1 to 2 years apart. Therefore, things get done differently than others who have raised singleton children. Its easier with 3 to do things in which is easier on the parent. Do they get less love? Nope. They are very much loved and cherished every second of their life. They are still individuals, they may have come in a package, but they are definitely different. I am going to have to remember this while teaching them, I have a feeling that one maybe quicker to learn then the others. At least with certain things. Its a life I love to live!

Every day I’m thankful for my 3 precious miracles. I couldn’t imagine my life without them. Am I thankful for my struggle with infertility…. in some ways, yes. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for my struggles.

Remember the fight

Have I mentioned how bad infertility SUCKS?!?! If I haven’t well IT SUCKS! It toys with your emotions, and every single feeling you could ever imagine feeling. Its like a good came of tug war. You know, the one where both teams on each side of the rope fight to keep from being pulled into defeat? Back and forth, and just when you think “wow, their gonna do it” bam they get pulled back even harder. Yup, that’s what im feeling right now.

I have had so much good news of BFP’S the last few weeks, unfortunately with good news, comes bad news. Good news is you’re pregnant, bad news…… you’re miscarrying. Ugh!!!!! Why?!?! Right now I have a few really good friends going through different emotions. Some remain pregnant, and some just miscarried. I have to be happy for those celebrating their miracle, but I’m also horrified by the thought that a few of my friends lost a baby… . Again. Its not fair, I wish things could be a little easier for them, but its not. My heart is being torn in two different directions.

I am awake tonight thinking of all my “sisters” those suffering and those rejoicing and of course those still waiting. I pray that with each heart break you find strength, and with each happy moment you find your faith. God doesn’t promise there won’t be sad moments, after all; humans did choose to live a sorrowful life when Eve at from the fruit she wasn’t suppose to eat from. He does promise, that through faith you will find your peace and you will find your happiness, but sometimes hanging on with one hand get to be too much. To be optimistic about infertility is understatement, but that’s the best word to describe how you feel when you finally find out you are pregnant. Being pregnant doesn’t mean we are done fighting, it means we better be prepared to fight harder, cause the next few months are hell, trying to figure out if our bodies are gonna do as they should and carry the baby to term.

Is there such thing as normal with infertility? No, absolutely not. So many things change, in a matter of seconds, its hard to catch your breath. Just when you think things have turned around for you, something new pops up. The important thing with infertility is to remember the fight. The fight is what molds you, makes you stronger, more understanding and it gives you the ability to share and support others around you who may be going through a similar situation. So, just because you are finally pregnant after fighting for so many years, your journey is still in flight, and there are others eagerly waiting to hear your story. Closed hearts equal closed minds and closed minds means that infertility will remain in the dark.

No words

How do you describe in words, the pure joy you feel, when someone you’ve grown to love, someone who’s selfless, kind and caring. Someone who’s suffered with indescribable pain for many years, negative tests, miscarriages, and so much more. Gets a BFP on her HPT? there are no words to describe it. I cried happy tears today for a dear friend. She is currently waiting to get blood tests, but cheated (like she said she wouldn’t) and peed on a stick. She’s pregnant! Clear as day two beautiful lines, there is no denying the outcome, and I couldn’t be happier.

Now, we sit and wait. The first few weeks are torture for us. We hold our breath for every beta, run to the bathroom for any cramp, and over analyze every twinge, every symptom that comes with pregnancy. The thing is….. we don’t know, we only know the pain of getting a negative, or getting a few weeks into our pregnancy just to lose the baby. So, with every BFP we try to remain very optimistic of the whole situation. Sometimes, the negative out weighs the good, and fear gets the best of us.

Our emotions are raw, and when it comes to our unborn child, we wear our hearts on our sleeve. We remain happy in silence, for fear that we will lose another pregnancy. We cry out of happiness, and fear. We cling to every week we continue to carry. We hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. We know no other way.

Its a scary first trimester, to be honest I’m not sure what’s worse, waiting to find out if your pregnant, or waiting to get through the first 12 weeks. Most women can shout to the world with their first positive HPT. They have never lost a child, didn’t have to wait years to achieve pregnancy, and probably didn’t know anybody who had. I look at newly pregnant women (not infertile) and Wonder, how can she be so calm? How can she walk for exercise without worrying about losing the baby? How can she eat that? Omg, she’s lifting that? These are things I’m envious of, but know there is a reason I was chosen to walk this path, and know there is a reason my friends were chosen as well.

I can’t speak for all my friends, but I know its made me stronger, wiser and a lot more passionate about life in general. Having a baby is a gift, something that should never be taken for granted. I have been blessed with giving birth to 3 precious life’s and I wouldn’t change anything. I hope my friends realize the gift they have been given, there is no better feeling in the world!

Cautiously excited

The last few weeks have been exciting for many of my “infertile” friends. We have had many positive pregnancy tests or as we call it (BFP’S). many of them are results from IVF or IUI’S. You can’t help but feel overjoyed, because for most its there first time ever being pregnant, or for some this is a second or third pregnancy, so they remain cautiously excited, because unfortunately they lost the previous pregnancies. Its unfortunate, that in such a happy moment, you have to limit who you tell, or how happy you get because the fear of having a miscarriage is always lurking over your head, robbing you from all your happy pregnancy experiences. Every twinge, every cramp and every spot of blood is a sign of miscarriage in our eyes. Thank God we have friends to cheer us on.

With all the positive tests, I am also supporting some who got a positive, but miscarried. These last two weeks have had ups and downs, and no matter how many times you go through it, it never gets any easier watching a friend suffer month after month just to finally have her “take home baby”. This rollercoaster ride we call infertility, is not a rollercoaster I suggest anyone climb into, once your in, there is no getting out.

My body has been acting weird, so I’m pretty sure coming into the “change of life” early. There is no other explanations, just waiting to see my doctor in June. I guess this puts a definitive answer to my ever having a baby again. It can never even really be a thought anymore. It kills me to think I cannot even think about having one more, infertility will always haunt me.

I have a special friend I want to ask prayers for. She is currently in her 2ww which means she’s waiting to get results from her IVF transfer. We will know in 6 days if she is pregnant or not. She deserves this, and I’m praying God will answer her every wish, and her only dream. I’m not sure I can watch her hurt so bad anymore…. it kills me.

We have to remain strong as a group, we are the only people who truly understand the pain and heartache of infertility. Im praying for all my dear friends tonight. You all know who you are.